Friday night it happened again...
after spending the entire day with mum, finally came home about 11plus PM after a movie..
reached the doorstep and Asher came right into my arms...
seeing that it was late, with my bag on one hand and the other holding asher's hand, I directed him up the stairs to our bedroom for his bed-time. Just few steps up the stairs, my MIL approached and said she will sleep with Asher...as usual, I told her it is fine and Asher will sleep with me. Without wanting to say much, I hurried Asher further up the stairs to head for the room.
I didnt even want to take time to go wash up, get change or even prepare Asher's night time basket, fearing that after doing all these, it would be too late for me to get hold of Asher.
Once into the room, I switched on he aircon, fan and as usual baby's night time music...sat down and played his shapes sorter with him and read him his story books..........................
BUT NOT FOR LONG...
"Knock Knock" ... before I could even respond, MIL opened the door le...
"Asher, come follow Grandma, Grandma pat pat you sleep..."
As Asher did not respond to her well enough for MIL to take him away naturally like previously, MIL said to me that she bring Asher downstairs to sleep.
I responded, "it is really ok. FANG XIN, he will be fine with me.I want him to sleep here with me."
MIL followed, "It is FIL who is kind of anxious...not I BU FANG XIN, is your FIL BU FANG XIN, worried you both cant take care of him well cos he is coughing, ask me to come and bring Asher down..." as she stretches for Asher...
Despite my obvious reluctance and repeated assurance that I can take care of Asher, there is nothing to be overly anxious about, she still took him away, even after I 'acted crying sadly' to make Asher come back to me himself, which he did.... BUT WELL, he was still taken away...
Alvin came in, but made no attempt to help nor stop his mum....
Sitting on the bed in silence, no words can describe the extent of helplessness, upset and frustration I felt at that moment.
No help rendered from my hubby... ...
but he said,"Let him sleep with them lah....anyway it's saturday tmr, Asher will not be able to sleep with them too...the folks look after the baby whole day le since you were out with your mum, they also want to sleep with him mah..."
"Obviously becos' I was out the whole day with my mum, I missed my son and they also spent the whole day's time with him...plus I am going to be at work entire day tmr too...I can only see him now. And what does it mean by BU FANG XIN I can't take care of asher well, I have been on my own all the way before we came back here to stay. I am his mum and I want to be there for him when he is sick, when he coughs during the middle of the night etc...And he has already slept with them the night before....so what's not right with him sleeping with his mummy, me now....."
I simply hate it when such happens.....last time knock the door, still will wait for me to open...nowadays, simply just open and walk in after 2 gentle knocks...come in and take Asher away....I dont feel good about it and I have tried my best to show it tactfully while still maintaining the respect for them.
How many more times do I have to go through this before they start accepting that I am just not going to let Asher sleep with them everyday like it's a norm? Maybe they are used to having their grandchildren sleep with them like in the case of Jodi and Jaden...BUT that's is not my way.
Because of this happening again and again, despite my obvious resistance & reluctance, I am fearful of staying downstairs for too long during the night....when it is time, I hurriedly go up...ended up with Alvin having to bring things up for me...and the whole situation makes it even tougher on him...cos he is between us.
I have always believed in respecting my IN-LAWS as I know they have been wonderful IN-LAWS and I am really blessed to be able to live in harmony with them, thus not making life difficult for hubby. But they have got to respect me too, respect me as Asher's mummy...
I am tired of having to go through this fearful and upsetting routine time and again.
It spoils my mood and makes me upset.
And becos of this happening, it sparked off a quarrel between Alvin & I...angrily, I told him I am really upset and I am really tired of it, fearful....it led me into telling him how much I felt he doesnt know what i want and doesnt make effort for me how much I hate it...the same stuffs I was so upset about just earlier the month...which he promised he will change for the better....but it never...NEVER took place. He was still like that. Just like the chicken breastmeat rice he repeatedly bought me despite knowing I hate chicken breastment, AFTER 10 years...
But he maintained silence throughout which upset me even more....I have said that to him before that I hate his silence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still that didnt change....
3plus AM....i am sick of waiting....i waited lying at one corner of the room..till I fell asleep crying....until I woke up at 3plus AM, eyes feeling pain...(he probably didnt even realise that)
He woke up too.
At this point, I decided I just wanted to get out of the room, out of the house, out of his sight!
Still in my jeans, I took my jacket, bag and went downstairs....he too went downstairs while I was getting my stuffs...
Before I could even leave the house, I heard Asher crying...he was awakened as Alvin went into parent's room to carry him up into our room...How could I bear to leave as I had wanted?
This is bad. I really badly wanted to get out of his sight...but I couldnt just leave Asher behind...but it was 3AM, where could I bring him?
It is not what I wanted. I never wanted him to go get Asher back into the room since he was already asleep. I just wanted a solution to everything. I just wanted him to understand my pain and disappointment, how upset I felt. i just DONT WANT HIS DAMN SILENCE!!!
but he never knew... ...
I went back to bed...still upset.
Even until today, he never made any effort to talk about it.
I really hate it so much that his "tmr for me" never comes.
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4 comments:
Dearest Lindy,
I am not too sure if you will read this but I hope you do.I just want to tell you that i understand what you are going through with your husband and living with the in-laws.I don't have any solutions.But I just want to share with you my experiences.To provide something of an emotional support.Hopefully!You are not alone!
My husband is around Alvin's age.I am very confident to tell you that they behave and think in the same manner.They belong to the same generation.We are of a different generation from them.Period.
I told my husband about your chicken breast meat incident.Guess what,my husband is adamant that chicken rice is chicken rice.Breast meat or not.We almost have an argument over it.
I was really upset about his apparent nonchalence with this chicken breast meat incident.He stands by Alvin.
I have spent nights crying in my bed because I feel so disappointed in him.Sometimes he knows I am crying.Sometimes he doesn't know.And he spends the rest of his time at home watching tv.Rather than spending time with me in the bedroom.
He doesn't surprise me either.And he doesn't buy me presents for a real long time.He never did buy me my birthday present for last year.No Christmas present as well.Even though I bought him NICE and expensive birthday and Christmas presents with Hallmark cards to boot.I sow,but apparently,I don't reap!
And yes,I am still waiting for my birthday and Christmas presents for 2008.I don't even want to talk about Valentine's Day.Worst of all,he never even got me a single damn card.Even though he knows that i love cards from him.
I have always wanted to play the role of the supportive wife.Supportive financially and emotionally.Heck,I even mop the floors at home and scrub the toilets up till I was 7 or 8 months pregnant.This coming from someone who has never even needed to wash her own panties or make her own bed.Until I married him.
I always joke with people that my life changed for the worst since I married him.But in my heart,I do feel the earnestness of my words.From a "free" car to drive to work with all expenses paid from Daddy dearest;I now have to drive a smaller car and pay for EVERYTHING myself.
I live with my in-laws.I wanted to be a nice daughter-in-law.Hence my mopping floors 3 times a week regimen.We get along to a certain extent.But at the end of the day,I am not their daughter.But their daughter-in-law.My MIL is the opposite of your MIL.My MIL don't really love my son.There was a period of time when she totally ignored my son.She comes back from her morning strolls and just walk straight to her room without even looking at my son who is in his cot which is just in the living room!Very unbecoming behaviour for a PATERNAL grandmother to her GRANDSON
When I have friends or relatives visiting,she will be like "Oh yes,my grandson is really cute and everything".
Why this type of contradicting behaviour?I haven't got the faintest idea.Maybe I cheesed her off unwittingly.But most likely,with all due respect,it's her character flaw.But in any case,I rest my peace and I don't bother my husband with such details.Thank goodness for me,I have employed a capable maid.Who understands the classic dysfunctional Chinese family and their matriarchs.For the record,I pay my maid's wages.My husband pays the cheaper goverment levy.
Now,my MIL does not need to do lift a finger to do any housework and I would like to think that it's courtesy from yours truly.But thank god I have my maid to help me through the last few months.She who knows what I am facing day in day out.She who knows that I am NOT the wolf in sheep's clothing.
I have spent nights too just wanting to leave the house because I cannot stand sleeping with my husband.Sleeping with the enemy I call it.The intense feeling of just not wanting to be with this man who appears to be my husband but who in actual fact seems more like a bloody stranger.
But I have never got round to it because I can't just bring my son and go.I will pause and ask myself if it's a responsible thing to do to my young son.Do I really need to blow such a big fuss.Is it such a big problem?Afterall,it's not as if he has another woman outside.
But I do feel so stifled I just need to leave everything behind.But in the end,where can I go?
I don't want to go to my parents' house even though I could.I don't want to worry my parents.In the end,I feel so trapped at times like these.So trapped by this marriage.I can't confide in my husband or my parents.The feeling of helplessness is crippling.I am so paralysed by this overwhelming loneliness in the marriage.Sometimes I feel like I am alone in this marriage.Which is the worst feeling in the world.
I ask myself what exactly have I done wrong?Why did it end up like that?I was so happy with him.Where did the happiness go?Is this my retribution?Am i serving out my punishment?
I have confronted my husband once.Not much good came out of it.To him,silence is golden.The less said,the better it is.So now,I just let it be.Don't say anything.I will tahan.I will tahan.Tahan until one day,he will be oh so sorry for all the sadness he has put me through.He will get DOUBLE!
At times when I get so angry,I just want to divorce him straightaway.Yes,I am that angry.And when it gets that bad,
I will make wicked plans in my head.Like when I get my own place,I will divorce and set myself free.I will take my son and the maid with me.
I tell myself I do not need him.I have got supportive parents.He doesn't give me happiness anymore anyway.I don't think he can give me anything that I cannot get it myself.
During these trying times,I feel like his special place in my heart is just crumbling away bit by bit.Why do I even bother?
But Lindy,there is a silver lining to my Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious story.
My mom did not have it easy when my brothers and me were young.I told her about my friend whose husband bought her a 12k Rolex for her birthday and for bearing him a son.
My husband bought zilch for me.
She proceeded to chide me roundly for wanting to divorce so easily.Just small small things then want to divorce.How can?!
She said this to me,"xian ku hou tian".Bitter first.Sweet will come.
I believe my mom.This is what is keeping me going now.
I believe my time and sweetness in life will come.I am working hard for it now.
I believe yours will come too.
Hi Guest,
I hope you will return to read this...
Do I know you personally? Else, how would you know Alvin's age being about the same as your hubby's? and the generation thingie?
All that you have wrote reminds me of so much similarity I went through during my pregnancy...i too mopped the floor even till the very last days of my pregnancy...the countless cards I have made, bought for him....
Hmm...I guess this few days I am just very down, and not getting the kind of support, love care and concern from him, makes it worse.
My reluctance to accept his failure to do some small things for me, makes my internal feelings & life very very horrible every now and then...
But of course i know he is a good man...but I am very unsure now whether being just a good man is good enough to walk the rest of our lives together for this marriage...
My hubby does recognise that the chicken brestmeat thing is something he should have been able to take note of and he could have done better...esp after 10 years...but well, it has always been just talk as of date...
and this is just an example.
If people understood, they will know I am not kicking a fuss becos of the food...but the attitude and efforts for a relationship to be string and sustaining..
Thanks for coming by...
Hi Guest & Lindy
I totally agreed with what u said. We are married women who had been through the toughest part during pregnancy. Squat down to scrub the damn floor & climb up to clean the cupboards when we are heavily pregnant. With that. it makes us even a stronger woman & mummy cos we know life does not come easily for us .
Lindy, I feel sometimes ALvin had taken life too easily until he is begining to take things for granted. I hoped this is not creating a havoc between the both of you but human beings tend to be like that. Just like a machine when pushed a button it will auto load whatever required.
I totally agreed with what Ms Anonymous had mentioned "xian ku hou tian" Bitter first swet later...Endure sister, your sunshine is coming at the end of the tunnel real soon :)
BTW, my door is always open for u & Asher whenever u need a shelter over to u in the middle of the night as I am always up & doing night feed at 3-4am daily ..
Tricia,
Thanks for always showing your concern, support... ...
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